Monday, April 18, 2011

July 20th, 2454


If it weren't for Bali, I'd forget the world. I feel my memories slipping out of my grasp every day. And when I remember, it shocks me. It scares me. The life I remember makes me fear not for myself, but of myself.

Dr. Twinn thinks I should read my journals. To jar my memory. The monitor's show my brain is fully functioning. It shows that all of my memories are there, the only problem is turning them back on. He says it looks like a "gray fog" has blanketed that area of my brain, that the fog is sharing the space where my memories are. He says he's never seen a thing quite like it. He says my prefrontal area (whatever the hell that means) is completely enshrouded by a gray fog. He says that the fog shows on the monitors but doesn't exist in any of the scans they print or samples they take and that when they laser through to my brain, there is no fog there. It just vanishes, he says. I wonder if it's my soul, protecting me. From myself.

Today I remembered the day Domenica was born. I remember how lonely it was. No Liam. No Bali. Just Frank and a ghost hand. And almost directly afterwards I remember the day she disappeared. The same day my soul disappeared. I screamed. I cried and cried. I remember not allowing myself to have that memory. It hurts to bad to think about. But I looked down at Bali and remembered and I couldn't stop the onslaught. It was a horrible memory. I never found her. And I remembered Frank's face. I remember the news. I remember how angry he looked at me. There was nothing I could do. And then I remembered Liam's pain. His fear. And I remembered when he forgot. How jealous I was, that I couldn't forget. That we couldn't die together.

And when I remembered again that I never found her, I called in Dr. Twinn, told him I was in too much pain, and took drugs to sleep through my day. My dreams were awful. I dreamt of when I was a small child, memories I have forgotten for so very very long. It was almost like a flashback. It was the day I woke up from my coma. I flashed back to when my eyes began to flicker open. In real life I remember seeing Frank's face above mine. I remember feeling fear because he seemed so evil in that moment, but I recognized it was just my own fear to wake up. In the drug-dream today, Frank was evil. It was Frank and I knew it, but there he stood over me while my eyes flicked awake with the head of a wolf, howling into the open moonlit sky. Howling out the name "Domenica". And I never woke up from that coma. I just watched him howl her name, in this dream.

Its closer to midnight now and I'm waiting for new drugs to kick in so I can sleep away these memories. I specifically asked for ones that would turn off my brain's ability to dream. I don't want to dream like that again. I told Twinn I felt less rested having had those nightmares and that I felt almost like the nightmares were replacing the actual memories. My brain, I hope, will forget the memories and the nightmares by the time I was up. For good. I hope this fog infects my prefrontal area and purges me from everything.


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