Grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
All I can do is pray, Eros. Liam is going to be crushed. I am crushed. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't tell him. Thats impossible. I just have to beat this cancer and then have this kid and only then can I tell Liam, after its all over. But I have to tell him about the kid. I can't hide that. I've never lied to Liam before. Ever. I've never kept anything from him this big. A surprise party. Thats the biggest secret I've ever kept from him. What if he leaves me? Because I haven't told him yet.
Its just, how the hell am I supposed to tell him this? How? Please, Eros, help me, because I can't even believe that its possible to form the words on my toungue. I can never say them. Its not in me. I can write them, maybe, but how cruel is that?
Dear Liam, the love of my life,
I've got cancer. I'm having your kid. Deal with it.
Your Lynn, the shithead who couldn't say it to your face.
But the more I think about it, the more appealing a letter becomes. I CANNOT handle the look of rejection he might have on his face. I cannot handle him leaving me. A. because I lied. Well, not exactly lied, just withheld pertinent information. B. because I'm having a baby I know he doesn't want. But I'm having it. C. because I have the big fucking C. And am having a baby at the same time. And could jeapordize the little thing growing in me because I have cancer in my fucking boob. And am too stubborn to say, hey baby you probably shouldn't come into this world through this hyper-contaminated vessel.
Letter it is. Maybe I'll run away, too, after I write it, and avoid the horrified look I'll see in his eyes, followed by the rejection, followed by the pain he'll feel, followed by the pain I'll feel, followed by...I don't know, some other awful feeling I know I'll see expressed across his perfect tan face just to reassure me that his love for me is dead. I can see the love die in his crystal blue eyes.
Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.