Tuesday, March 22, 2011

May 7th, 2036


Dr. Frank might kill me for leaving, but I know I have to go. I'm going West, into the desert somewhere I think. The warm weather will probably help me. I'm going to see him tomorrow to tell him about it. He's like a father to me. I know this will crush him. But I know at the same time he'll support me and do everything he can to help me. Pudgy little guy. If he cries, I'll lose my shit. I'm not packing yet. But I am drafting a letter to Liam. They are easily the hardest words I've ever had to type. This is what it looks like, so far:

My Liam,

I love you, you know. I am yours, no matter how much you're going to hate me after this. My heart is wrenched in two directions, Liam, and I want you to know that I don't do this without you at the forefront of my considerations.

I have something to tell you that is going to break your heart. Since I can't bear to watch your heart break in two, I'm writing you this letter hoping to spare myself the suffering. I can't watch myself lose you, especially this way. I'm sorry I've kept this hidden for so long but finding the courage to run from the warmth of your arms has not been, as you can well imagine, an easy thing. Especially because my home is in your arms.

Liam, I am pregnant. Liam, I have breast cancer. Liam, I am leaving you.

I have to leave you to spare you the burden of the first two of those three things. I can't give up this child. I have to fight a battle that shouldn't be yours as well. I know you don't want kids and so I am protecting you from this one. And maybe I'll die from this cancer, with a kid in the world that I know you don't want. My only hope is that you'll never have to suffer from either this child or this cancer. So I am leaving to prevent you from ever having to.

God, you know how much I love you. This is the hardest thing for me to do. I'm changing my cell, my credits, and my GPS. I'll keep the same mailbox, Liam, but please don't feel obligated to contact me. I understand that this will crush you, so please know I am sorry that I have chosen this child instead.

Ugh. that sounds so bad. This child instead. It isn't like that. I just can't bear the thought of killing some little creature just because I don't feel like having it. I fucking hate kids. But here I am, having to have one. I'd adopt the thing out, but with the government regulations on adoption parents, I can't imagine that Liam wouldn't come after me or try to find me. He is going to be angry and sad and hurt and lonely and I need to stay hidden from him. I hope that Bali can comfort him.

Eros, is this right? Am I going to regret this for the rest of my life? Probably. How can I really leave Liam. Its not even love anymore. Its something more. Something bigger. Something that just....is. We're a plane of existence. Not two worlds to be shared. We are one. And I have to WRENCH myself away. I don't think I can.


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