I'm my own worst enemy.
I can't accept that good things can happen to me. Bali comes tomorrow. I'm in recovery-the surgery was a success.
But half of my brain is gone.
I feel like while I'm waiting, I've been filling in all these blank spaces with doubt. Doubt about this or that: whether my body will accept this tissue or reject it, whether I'll have my memories still. I'm hooked up to a machine right now, so my brain is basically a computer at the moment, but when this new tissue comes will it store all of my data? Will it take what is now part of a computer chip and store it inside microscopic cell nucleii? What parts of me will I lose when I fill up these spaces? A new part of me is going to grow in there soon and I don't know how to ensure that it doesn't kill me. As afraid of it as I am, I know that it is so neccesary. I know that I need this. These blank spaces can't stay blank forever, who the fucking fuck do I think I'm kidding?
I just can't shake the feeling that this is too good to be true. I feel like this brain tissue replacement surgery which will restore to me all of my memories and feelings (basically my entire life will have to be recategorized and processed into a new set of matter) well, it can't possibly work out, can it? How can I have it all?